From the outside, personal development either: scares the hell out of you, inspires you or scares the hell out of you.
See I get inspired by other's growth, but my own- errrr, can I get a pass until the next turn?
My favorite human nicknamed me Elephant at the start of this year and I hated it at first. Then loved it because it was true.
No it is not a reference to my thighs (for that he would've gotten kicked!) but being I am stubborn and cannot be moved.
Until, I am ready that is. There's an old saying you cannot move an Elephant you have to get them to want to move. True DAT.
That first layer of self growth is always the fun part because you have the adrenaline and excitement of the newness of everything. Ohh new books! New words to use! New gurus to follow and explore!
I remember when I first fell down the rabbit hole of growth and I was actually like Alice in Wonderland.
I was so relieved to find out I was broken and it wasn't only me I couldn't learn things fast enough it was drinking from the freshest natural well.
Then I got comfy again.
I was no longer in crisis mode so I eased up on the pedal and thought, cool, I've so got this and since I'm great helping other people I will focus ALL of my attention of doing that.
And forgot that little fact that I (and you) always have more to go. More things to face, more things to let go of, more things to understand at a different places.
Most of our beliefs are engrained in us at a young age and then we live our adult lives by a 5 year old's perspective at best!
My 5 year old was knocking things over and I needed to rewire my good old brain.
So I dove in yet again. I have changed more in the past 5 years and especially this year more than I ever thought I could.
But the lingering stuff AFTER that fun beginning part is always the stickier part.
Because you feel better and because you can count wins, it's easier to navigate around the residual mines.
For me those mines are boundaries, being vulnerable to loving and being loved and abandonment.
I cringe even typing them.
So I just gave more and asked for less from everyone around me so I could avoid those suckers and live happily even after.
Not so much. Life doesn't go like that it seems.
For me, I was creating scenarios where my boundaries were being crossed- to test me. I failed then I won when I finally SAW. Next, I decided to trust again. I open myself up and then get afraid of being left on the curb so then I get macho and bounce between the two in my head. (Exhausting anyone?) And I didn't see them because LALALA I was busy being so proud of how far I came...and being an Elephant.
Today I felt the old stuff peeking up again and I realized it's time for another round of change.
So I cried. I punched a pillow. I yelled everything out loud. I didn't push it down and go macho.
Then I wrote a letter.
To the parts that I have been avoiding.
To ask them to leave me alone and to stop handing me chances to get hurt on silver platters over and over.
To forgive them for just trying to keep me safe and for doing so until now albeit very messily.
And then I burned the letters.
I remember I am brave and strong without those mines, and also really FINALLY equipped to step on one if it pops up and know what to do about it without falling.
I also remembered the advice I give my clients and turned it on myself. I have always been my toughest client to date so it was time to give it back to me in spades.
Always more to go but exercising what I know works, even on Elephant extraordinaire is yet another win I finally remember to count.