Bit of A Rant....It's Not Always Easy, So Stop Expecting It To Be!

The problem is never how to get new, innovative thoughts into your mind, but how to get the old ones out.” - Dee Hock (1).png

Bit o' rant (filter off I've been up since 2:30 am 😎)

Soooooo....I gotta say something.

Not every issue can be solved in a 3 step answer.

Not every emotion can be swept away with a funny meme and '5 things you need to know about...{insert coachy babble catch word}'.

Not every business wobble has a formatted bullet point PDF solution.

I had 4 calls with 4 incredible people yesterday.

4 UNIQUE, dynamic, brilliant humans with human stuff and fears and stumbling points who wanted help so they came to me.

I didn't repeat a templated answer to anyone.

I listened more than I spoke (shocking, I'm aware- I had to train myself in that one!)

I met them where they are and showed them some cracks in the veneer and WAITED to find out what they wanted next before telling them what I know to be true.

I changed gears a few times so I could bring them to a different perspective by the time each call ended.

Sure there are common themes.

And stuff each person experiences in themselves, their relationships and their businesses that can SEEM like what everyone else experiences.

But there seems to be a quick fix, easy answer, non-direct way that lots of people are having their questions responded to that irks me.

I don't believe that to be true.

Each individual comes with a history, a way of seeing themselves, what they do and who they want to be.

Don't we all deserve to have our vulnerability met with attention and bespoke care if we go to someone to help us?

Doesn't matter if it's business support, emotional help, relationship advice.

There are enough books and google searches to last us all a lifetime.

Please start trusting your gut and stop allowing people who aren't willing to slow down enough to HEAR what you have to say be the ones you trust with what you want help in.

'I've never felt so heard.'

'I thought I was uncoachable but talking to you was like talking to an old friend who gets me'.

'I never saw myself like that thank you for showing me ME'.

'I didn't know I could be more until you came along'.

THAT'S why I get up on days I don't feel like bothering.

Find a friend, a mentor, a community- whatever you need, but stop beating yourself up for feeling like those stock answers don't fit you.

They don't fit 95% of us.

And also.....no one is broken, we all just have stuff to adjust ❤️

Once you can take OFF the label of I'm too broken to fix as well as the expectation for a quick suture, you can allow your brain and heart to step up and allow you to explore, grow, mess up, success and all of the other wonderful ranges we as humans are meant to experience.

So the question is- do you want to pretend to have it all under control for an imaginary audience of 'The They' out there or actually begin to flourish no matter what it takes.

If it's #2, I'm here.

If it's #1, I'm also here ;)

Choose YOU.

It's really the only option anyway. 

Why The Method To The Madness Doesn’t Matter To Change Your Life

RESURGENCE.png

There is an epidemic in the personal development & entrepreneurial world.

I call it the Shortcut Short Circuit.

Don’t get me wrong, I obviously love the fact that people are driven and motivated to create change and growth in their life- it’s what I wake up everyday to facilitate in myself and in others BUT this short circuiting thing stops 80% of people from ever actually achieving what they want to create in the first place!

Let me explain.

BOOM. Your eyes open one day and you want more for yourself.

For your relationships, your body, your bank account, your future.

Mistake #1!

There is no BOOM, people!

No one, and I mean NO ONE, wakes up on a Wednesday, checks their schedule and says, hmmm lunch with Bob or turn my life upside down- whatever shall I choose?!

Let’s be real. The ‘boom’ is more a slow demise of the images you are trying to hard to hold on to or the pretend satisfaction that eats away at your day to day reality.

Or the boom happens OUTSIDE of you and then you are left shell shocked surrounded by shards of your former self with no super glue in sight. Illness, breakups, deaths, redundancies- you know those fun outer booms.

So now that we are admitting that most of us truly delve into our personal and professional growth when we just can’t bear living Groundhog Day anymore and the water that has been slowly dripping on the rock you called your reality has seeped through any crack it can find……you are now left with a few paths in front of you.

Path #1- scurry back to safety aka stuck ness aka personal inner hell.

So, this one is not likely a path anymore if you are reading these words because you probably have tried that multiple times without success.

Sure we can go back to what we know for short spurts of time, put on a happy face and hope no one notices we are holding our breath, BUT it gets old fast.

So sayonara Path #1.

Next we have door #2 (Vanna White twirl included in this visual!)

Path #2 looks sort of like path #1 in your mind, but it has different endings and results.

We do this because it allows our brain to want more out of life in all its areas but it doesn’t ACTUALLY require us to DO anything differently (yet.)

It helps you admit in small doses that you want something MORE for yourself.

This is HUGE!

And it’s also an impossibility. Even Einstein said it- the definition of insanity is repeating something again and again expecting a different outcome.

Now relax, I didn’t call you insane in a bad way- we have all one this one time or another (or if you are like me, about a million times, just to be sure) but it’s a good path to find yourself exploring.

Here’s why.

It’s a BRIDGE to real sustainable change.

It’s you admitting to you that the old way just isn’t what you want or who you want to be. KUDOS! You are freeing yourself from the shackles of imaginary land!

So yes, you have no clue what to do next but that’s perfect.

You know why?

Because your brain is recalibrating. You Reticular Activating System is rebooting to start searching for new data, thank the LORD.

So no more Groundhog Day is in your future, superstar!

Before you start celebrating, prep yourself that this is when it can get a wee bit sticky.

You now know what you don’t want, you may have an inkling of what you do want BUT

1)    You have no idea what to do next

2)    You may also not know who the hell you are anymore (that’s the wee bit sticky part- spoiler alert)

When you sit at the end of path #2 you expect to feel all wise and free, maybe even smug.

YET you probably feel more scared, small and stuck than you did cluelessly banging your head against door #1.

Sure it’s a great short term feeling to see a new horizon for yourself but this is when you start doubting:

1.    Your worthiness to get more

2.    Your ability to figure it out

3.    Your stamina to see this through into the unknown

4.    Your fear of judgment and rejection if you truly step up and out of the cage

5.    Likely your hair style because that’s the sort of thing you’ll busy yourself with changing when the whoppers seem to scary to touch but you don’t want to be stuck. (Trust me, ask your hairdresser how many times he or she sees that deranged ’change’ look in someone eyes at this stage!)

So path #2 feels good and then really really bad because there is no way to actually change here. It’s just your inner admittance that the cabin doors are closing on your old life and a way to help you wave goodbye without moving too quickly into a brick wall.

So at this point we turn to path #3.

(You’re welcome, take a deep breath, I wasn’t going to leave you there!)

There is something funny about path #3.

Depending on your view, it can be exhilarating AF or utterly confusing.

Path #3 is a ‘choose your own adventure’ one.

It has no set rules or structure, it has no absolute destination AND it’s sometimes difficult to measure ROIs and journey routs until you are farther along on it.

It’s the path of active surrender and curiosity.

It’s a blend of messy, exciting, freeing and empowering.

It’s the path you find the bits of yourself you forgot were there.

It’s the path that gives you the answer to why the ‘BOOM’ (more like slow crash) happened in the first place.

It’s the place of growth and lessons and it belongs to you.

Passion and purpose come back on this path and so does a resiliency to mess up more than you’d believe.

So the view from the front of the path looks anti climatic because the only thing to follow is your own voice in your head.

Which you likely haven’t heard clearly in a longgggg time.

It’s when you strip away the old voices- the teacher who told you you couldn’t write, the sibling you told you you’d amount to nothing, the ex that convinced you that you weren’t the greatest thing since sliced bread (you are by the way, I can help remind you why and how)

It’s the path that takes the pain and fear away to reveal who you were meant to be.

But ONLY by going step by step in this one will you find any of that out.

By messing up lots, taking detours that make no sense, trusting people you could’ve skipped and trying and tasting all of the juicy goodness and  madness as you go.

HERE’S WHERE THE SHORT CIRCUIT HAPPENS!!!

We don’t like change.

Yea I’m aware how many books and courses there are about the topic and how many people spend millions a year of finding their way, but honestly?

Humans crave structure, habit and safety.

None of those exist in change making.

So we are left with a dilemma.

How are we supposed to choose path #3 (which sort of chooses US) while also staying safe and structured?

Shortcuts.

Hacks.

Templates.

New structures that must work because someone with really good teeth and a soundtrack on their video series told you so!

Snark aside, there are tons of ways to skin the cat of change, but none of them will work if you don’t.

Stop worrying about which METHOD to choose and leap into the madness!

Don’t throw yourself into ONLY manifestation chants and green juices NOR belly flop into 5am hustle and grind with bullet proof coffee and nootropics.

They all work and they all don’t- you, my dear reader, are the ingredient that needs to be in the cake!!

When you constantly search for shortcuts to growth, change and success, you teach your pretty little brain a dangerous lesson.

You teach your brain that you are awesome at adrenaline rushes and quick fixes but NOT to follow through and intuition.

You teach your brain not to bother listening to your new budding inner voice that is learning and tilling the new lay of the land, but rather every Tom, Dick and Harry who dangles the riches of fool’s gold in a 10 page downloadable PDF (or worse, a $10k retreat that you are worthy of putting on your Amex- snark is BACK).

YOU short circuit your growth and success options.

Here’s the ironic part.

You know what happened between path #1, 2 and 3 that you didn’t get to realize yet?

You started clearing the decks unconsciously for what you actually want.

SO DO MORE OF THAT!

Now I know we can’t do this stuff solely on our own, which is why I coach people, but the path is lead by you, not by someone else’s way, method or language.

Learn to ask yourself better questions. Hire someone FOR you to show you wht you can’t see about yourself yet. Lean into the glory of not knowing and getting a change to rebuild WITHOUT standing on a shorter line to a destination you didn’t even want!

So please please remember.

This is YOUR circus with your monkeys here.

Lean into how weird it feels and go THROUGH- that’s when the path becomes yours, regardless of any method you can find.

What Play Can Do For Your Bottom Line

Sometimes when we want to charge forward in our lives and work, we easily forget the ONE thing that has always worked for you….but you’ve likely left behind.

No it’s not another to do list, fancy journal or even brilliant app that tells you what you need to do when.

Instead of taking you forward today, want to take you back.

Back to when you were young, imaginative and free.

Now look, I get not everyone had an idyllic childhood, but everyone has a state of life from their younger self that gave them the feeling of power, aliveness, courage and creativity- without effort, but just because you were fully YOU.

So many of us as adults have put that stage up on the mantle in a glass case, pinning to a memory a time where you just knew what to do and think and how to find answers without searching for them.

So instead of looking for more things outside of you, wouldn’t you like to go back to that space to accomplish what you want for your future on your terms?

Me too! Let’s go then.

First question I have is- what did you love to do when you were younger?

Hobbies, play time, imaginative play- nothing is too silly or frivolous.

List that out without judgments.

Now I want you to go back in your head and heart to who you were when you were doing those things.

What did it feel like? What kind of thoughts would’ve been running through your head?

What sort of stories used to excite you?

Now I want you be uber honest with yourself.

When you read back that list, of all of the things that you used to like to do, do you do any of them anymore?

Do you do any of the things that you liked to do as a kid, either as a hobby, as a practice, as a stress reliever.

Most of us don't, and that's the thing you say you want more fun and frolics in your life, but then you don’t go back to your roots and go back to the things that they always loved to do.

So we are now a society of bored, stuck, non-creative inner children wandering around pretending to feel excitement and joy. What is the point of THAT?

Sure some of the more adventurous people will go and say, "Okay, I'm going to jump out of a plane." That's awesome.

There's an adrenaline rush for five minutes, and then you come back down and you're back down at your regular status and you're not creating an environment in your life where fun and frolics and adventure and curiosity can continue to come into play.

Instead of us always looking for another new answer, we even do it not only in business and in life, but we do it in our own creativity as, I have to go learn a new skill.

There needs to be a new hobby.

I need to go find a new exercise class.

I have to go read a book because that's what everyone told me to do.

Can you see why people struggle to stick to things? None of them belong to YOU at your core!

Instead of constantly looking outside of yourself to find the answers for the things that you think you want, what if you built a habit in your curiosity of going back to what you used to like to do and WHY.

Because what we do when we do that, is we listen to our intuition whether you're into the woo or not, you know automatically when you like something.

But as an adult, moving from when we were children, we forget what we actually like.

We forget to bring it with us and we think it's not okay or it's childish or it's naive or it's a waste of time because we have so many more important things to focus on, but then you're leaving your essence back there. Frozen in time and leave essentially tools and clues to what makes you motivated, alive and on purpose. Kind of important things to know about you, I’d say!

Then when you try to do new things, when you want to learn new skills, when you want to push forward in your business, when you want to be brave in your relationships, you don't have your inner essence, which is what drove you when you were little, in order to accomplish those things.

That's why we get this adrenaline rush to try something and then we drop out of either overwhelm or frustration or we get bored very easily. It's because we're trying to do something outside of our regular way.

I want to encourage you to take a look at the list that you wrote of things you liked to do when you were little. Go back to what about what you liked when you were little. Why did you like it? Why did it mean so much to you and how can you bring it in now? I always loved art, I still do love art, but there are certain things that I don't like. I don't like fine art. I found that out trying fine art and I didn't like it. I don't like being in a class. I don't like when it's supposed to look a certain way.

I took what I use to like and now at 44, I do it my way.

If I'm in the mood, I'll go down to my studio- without expectation, without an outcome in mind and PLAY.

 It's not for anyone else.

 I don't have to sell it like I used to.

No one else has to see it, but to capture the essence of the fun and frolics that you used to have, find the feeling and recreate it in your life now.

What can that look like? Because it's not about what it was.

It's not about, Well, I'm not good at basketball so I'm not going too play anymore.

You were taught in our societies as children, unless you can master something, move on.

If you're not the best chess player, you're never going to make the chess team, so don't bother. You're not the best dancer, don't try out for the dance team.

It doesn't matter if you can master it. It’s for you.

It's something that drives a spark in you to have more fuel to do things, to do things more your way, to stop asking permission from everybody else.

Use the feeling to go find what it is, create that spark in yourself and then use the spark to focus on your life, on your business, on your relationships, because it's not about the activity, it's about the feeling that lights up inside of you.

From that changed state, you can do anything, you can plow through the to do list, which you find boring.

You can make phone calls that you're scared of.

You can face conversations that you may not feel ready for.

For me, this changed EVERYTHING. I finally remembered how I like to feel when I'm playful, which I had completely forgotten about, so I was just being a regular grown up muggle, not well either, I might add, and then I wasn't really being me, and I certainly wasn't being like everyone else, so I was kind of like being nothing and that's when my body started aching, things were falling apart in my life, because I wasn't listening to any of it.

It's about re-routing and turning the mirror inwards and saying, forget what everyone else thinks if it's okay or not, if you can weave in what ifs and curiosity and adventure and playfulness back into everyday life, even for a few minutes a day, it changes all the tasks you think you're suppose to do to get where you say you want to go.

If I'm not good at something straight away, I usually give up. I have to be the best, I can't help it. We're all like that in certain areas because it's how we were taught.

Why would you bother wasting energy on something if you're not going to be good at?

We're taught that from a young age. We do it to our kids. If your child isn't good at trying out for the hockey team, to save him from pain, when he was little, we say, "You know what sweetie? Why don't we try tennis instead.”

You know what kids do when left to their own devices? They master what they want to and they leave what they don’t (until of course, coaches, teachers and parents get in the way!)

The adultness we put on kids because we are so afraid they will feel rejection.

Sometimes that rejection or those fears of not being good enough drives us to go do something better.

To better ourselves, to practice more, to test our boundaries, to find out what's behind it, to see what's stopping us, but yet we don't bring it into our adult life and that's why I think fun and frolics runs everything else, because you're being the most you that you want to be, without even thinking about it.

You don't have to plan it.

This isn't something that you can read 15 books and master, you just go back inside and remember who you are and then you turn it and use it in every area of your life.

Now, that doesn't mean it's going to affect your ROI day one, but it will certainly make you show up differently every day in your work, which will definitely magnetized people to your work.

It's not about worrying if it's going to change the last bit of the story, but it's about creating the most you that you can so you can bring yourself as fully to whatever it is you do.

PERMISSION GRANTED aka How to Stop Giving A Sh*t What Everyone Else Thinks

I am growing fast in my business. Faster than I'd believe, to be honest.

Along that working my ass off journey, I started to feel what I hear lots of clients say to me played back in my own head and I thought it was time to help people sort this shiz once and for all.

You're accomplished.
You're driven.
You're brilliant.
Likely a tad crazy if you hang out on here like I do....

But you STILL ask for permission- from others, from the younger you, from mistakes and fuck ups that make you tentative to just forge forward and make all of the moneys and enjoy all of the things.

Listen, I know it sucks to admit it- I thought I was long over it too but every time you (and I) gear up to do something big, sell something new or step more into the spotlight, that permission thing can creep up.

So let's go at it head on, shall we?

WHY WE DO IT:

You are human. As independent and out of the box we entrepreneurs like to see ourselves as, we humans kinda like to not be stranded alone.

We crave acceptance, belonging and a feeling of being seen, understood and heard.

So anything that threatens that in our pretty little brains will set off a stress response to ABORT MISSION AND MARCH BACK IN LINE!

We want to know we will be safe if we go big, defy the norm, succeed beyond our family's set points, surpass our friends' definitions of what's allowed...even when logical you think you really don't give a shit.

You probably don't EXCEPT your safety valve inside still does.
So you dream big, you rev up with adrenaline, coffee and post it notes and then you feel that invisible clothes line cut your speed off right when you are ready to charge forward.

It shows up in failed plans, procrastination, doubt about stuff you could've SWORN you were sure about.....just to name a few.

The most frustrating part is the realization that you 'need' permission because FFS haven't you gotten rid of that already every other time you have done something new?

Look, let's face it it's REALLY embarrassing to fail or slip up in front of people. 
To think that in the big 'they' out there, there would be people who would judge, mock even cheer that 'they' were right and you really aren't all you want to think you are.

WHAT TO DO ABOUT IT:
I've got good news and bad news.

Good news is, most of this is in your HEAD.
The big "THEY' out there? Are far busier worrying about their own lawns and their own images to take the real time to piss on your parade.

Sure there are people who may judge, wish you ill or even disbelieve that what you want to do is possible.

That's totally cool. That's their choice. But in actuality, it cannot affect your actions unless you LET it.

Bad news is, it being mostly in your own head doesn't make it any less real, scary or even crippling.

I could print up permission slips and hand one to each of you and it still would NOT help you feel free to soar.

Only you can cut those cords.

Here's a few ideas how:
a) WRITE A LETTER

This can be as creative, formal or even ridiculous as you'd like.

It can be to the vast "THEY' out there or to specific people you feel play a part in the stories your head is telling you.

You can present why you want permission, you can tell them to fuck off, you can ask for forgiveness...you can do it however frees you from this dialogue but DO IT FULLY.

This is for you, not to send. It teaches your brain that you are closing the loop of an open conversation- the only one that matters is for you to get out what you need to to move forward.

BONUS POINTS: Write a response letter from that person back to yourself with permission granted :)

You can keep these or burn them or shred them- go with your gut on this.

b) LIST YOUR LEGACY

Take out a paper and list out for yourself all that you will feel, be and do IF you can get out of your own way and stop caring what others will think that stops you from action taking.

I mean details- go funeral speech, tombstone list, Nobel Peace Prize intro level of accomplishments.

Until your brain sees it more worthwhile to win at life than to stay safe, it won't budge.

So SHOW IT THE PROVERBIAL MONEY!

Go back to your why go back to the reasons and the wisdom you know and fast forward in your head to what you will contribute when your dream actualizes into clients, money, impact, influence!

c) PLAY

Always a go to for me in my 'prescriptions'- pre and post rituals when you do something big and scary-

Example: Want to write that book? 
Have a pre-writing playlist and coffee mug only used for that state change, define a place in the house you only write in.

Have a post- writing celebratory activity- go for a run, ring a bell, do a dance, watch a film- but MARK IT!

This way all small moves towards your big dreams belong to YOU again- not for approval or rejection from others!

Let the process become yours again and find fun ways to make that so.

Does it go away completely? So far I haven't seen it yet BUT it does last shorter and matter less as you practice!

Let the drivers for what you want move more towards INTRINSIC so your wins become yours and your 'fails' (I don't believe in em) become lessons to go better and harder next time.